"My Story" for BIRRDsong Blog: December 2012

‘My Story’
Mindfulness Practice and TBI:
'The Gold Mind Meditation Project'
by Had Walmer - teaching insight meditation skills in March, 2013 at Good Samaritan / BIRRDsong (Portland)
“Until you have the inner discipline that brings calmness of mind, external facilities and conditions will never bring the joy and happiness you seek. On the other hand, if you possess this inner quality, it will be possible to live a happy and joyful life.”  Dalai Lama
“Notes to our much loved son,  Had - a time of agony, love, sense of loss and hope, encouragement and realization that you have been given life because of your unfulfilled destiny.” My dad
Jan 21 6PM  I'm finally enroute to see you.  Tonight I will get to your room by 10 to 11 PM, hopefully.  At any rate I will see you, hug you, and kiss you tonight.  Just as I did when you were a little boy.  As I look out of the window of this 707 the moon is almost full.  How much effect do that moon and the planets have on one life and our destiny?”
From a journal kept by my father, D.O. and Acupuncturist.  At Visiting me at U.C. Davis Hospital during the time of my auto-accident, Dec. 31.

This is a story of transformational rehabilitation in my life, a life now lived with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI).  Modern medicine is very good at enabling us to survive a wide range of traumas that previously lead to death.  We, as survivors of trauma, have had a world- shattering experience. With ‘Mindfulness Practice’ that I describe here, we can learn to befriend our new lives ("me 2.0"), join with others and find ease in the present moment from our own efforts. Much healing is possible.  Here’s my story:

I was riding in a car with friends, returning to Oregon from California after my college’s winter break.  Traveling north on the interstate we crashed into a car that had missed its exit and was backing up on I - 5.  Go figure.

The Police report says that at 66 mph we impacted, crushing the right side of our car where I was seated. My head, with eyeglasses on slammed into the dashboard and Jaws-Of-Life were required to free me from the vehicle.  I was rushed to the Emergency Room in a coma.

My brain swelled in my skull.  This was before essential state seat-belt laws, as well as the critical current medical relief relieving the intracranial pressure of brain swelling.  In six days, with the powerful help of my parents and formal medical care, I regained consciousness.  I had amnesia, diplopia (double-vision w/ anisocoria - maximally dilated pupils), and severe TBI. I walked with great difficulty.  In the short instant of this accident I was not who I used to be.  My life was dramatically and forever changed.

I went home with my parents and slowly recuperated.  Repeated Osteopathic treatments aided balance and motor coordination issues improved over time.  Often I was in a foggy mental state, with occasional glimpses of clarity. Plans for my future existed only as fleeting positive images in my mind.  That following Fall I went back to college thinking my life would be just the same as my previous times there.  Not so.  It wasn’t.

Life plans and images were now derailed, couldn’t get back on the tracks.  I had great difficulty learning and people didn’t relate to me as they once did.  I struggled with an array of new and unfamiliar cognitive deficits.  I was back at the same place with a different me to inhabit.  This condition of TBI was only vaguely recognized.

New frustrations arose to surprise me.  My romantic relationship split up, as I would often rage out of control within, emotionally and couldn’t figure it out.  Anger would grab my sensibilities.  My ability to be a ‘fast study’ was gone; I now had a memory that was effectively Teflon for new facts.  Frustration was a persistent undercurrent in my entire life.

Boundary issues and very slow mental processing made for a whole new mix in my social and personal world.  Who was I now?  In short I needed to learn to befriend a new me. I was a newcomer to the land of TBI.

Fortunately in 1982 I met a wonderful and highly supportive woman.  She encouraged me to complete my college degree, get work and we eventually married.  She already had a wonderful son and we had two more incredible children and I cannot say enough about the treasure and contribution of our empowering and loving family relationship.   I lost one job after another as I met and came to know these cognitive deficits.

Many relationships break up with TBI.  I was so fortunate in marrying this woman who has been strongly capable of holding all that occurred (super mother). As well and quite unbeknownst to me, she, with her character, was actually providing my missing executive functions.

Ten years after the accident, we lived near a Mindfulness Meditation Center and a friend said to me, “I’m going out to Spirit Rock this evening to sit with Jack Kornfield in meditation.  You might like it.”  Curious, I went and followed the sitting meditation instructions.  In a matter of weeks I had experiences of peace and energy, arising in clarity.  I was inspired.

I saw clearly that I was capable of learning the beneficial qualities I heard spoken of in the Dharma Talks.  I regularly went to the Monday evening meditation sits at Spirit Rock with Jack Kornfield and other dharma teachers.  I find each of the “seven factors of awakening” coming into play now in my life and practice: investigation, energy, joy, tranquility, concentration, equanimity and mindfulness.  This is all accurate mapping of the territories of mind anyone can learn with direct practice.

This tangible result fuels my practice.  I know that it makes a difference for me to do it.  It’s self-motivating: learn this skill of mindfulness, practice and get positive benefits.
Meditation is a very forgiving practice.  It’s ‘win win’, you practice skillfully or learn what’s needed in direct experience. That’s the actual process which is a positive feedback loop.

Losing track of being attentive to the chosen meditation object and going off into worlds of thought is a natural phenomenon of the mind. That is exactly what minds do and as a person meditating we get to simply observe this as a regular familiar process.  Wise instruction here is noticing what the mind has done and affectionately bringing attention back to any chosen object, say breathing or the body.  When the mind wanders into thinking you haven’t done something wrong, you are gently developing the skill of mindfulness as people have done for thousands of years.

Now, I am fruitfully bringing this practice to bear on all my life experiences.  I savor being mindfully present with various life experiences, pleasing and unpleasing – yes, both sides with equanimity. This is not living in fantasy, rather being present with things as they are – not reacting unconsciously, rather feeling emotions and all else that arises within each of us and communicating  honestly.

Regular meditation practice has brought deepened levels of clarity and awareness to how I relate to my self and world.  I am more able to hold sustained attention to any chosen activity.  I practice everyday either with time sitting or in being awake and present to the moments of my life experience.
With this mindfulness I can accept and gently hold whatever states arise in my consciousness or know that if I’m overloaded (‘flooded’) and to back-off, choosing not to get entangled before I 'go under'.

The mind can be a crazy beast.  This training grounds me in a sense of dignified inner wellness and peace including the damages of TBI.  Mindfulness practice isn’t about changing me into a better me, rather it’s about befriending who I am now.  Healing (through neuro-plasticity) is a long process.  Mindfulness and meditation open me to energy and the choice I have in this moment to see clearly the effects arising from my TBI and then be more appropriate in my actions.  Not throwing gas on the flames.
 
TBI is still very much a part of my daily life.  It hasn’t gone away or been miraculously cured.  I have learned to live skillfully with poor short-term memory.  Emotional outbursts pass more quickly as I can see them, know they will pass and stop denying them.  I have continuing difficulty with interpersonal boundaries.  Though I am bright and cheerful, good at getting jobs, I continue to lose them. I identify with all of this much less and that gives me much peace and ease. That’s not who I am.

Last year I had a ‘Bodhisattva insight’ (Buddhist noble goal, contributing to others) and with my dear wife’s encouragement I formulated this Mindfulness Meditation Project.  My wife and I are now ‘empty nesters.’  I savor the sweet memories of our children growing up as well as the amazing adults they now are.  I’ve been practicing on this path for 23 years. I intend to share and teach mindfulness to fellow survivors in my TBI community (and really anyone who is interested).
I know this from the inside and I wish you well.

Despite ongoing frustrations with the persistent cognitive deficits, recurring fogginess and loss of jobs, mindfulness practice just works in creating peace of mind. It returns me to a joy and clarity in being with what I love. I am happier and more satisfied throughout my life.  I am honestly grateful for the life I have.

TBI has stricken millions. It has often been misdiagnosed and thus poorly treated. In top-of-the line and expensive rehabilitation programs I was taught 'compensatory coping strategies’ for the 'cognitive deficits' of my brain injury. These strategies were well intended, but fell short of addressing my need for inner well being. I had to learn this necessary inner transformation for myself.

I've learned to sift gold from the gravel of my life experiences to find meaning and purpose for myself. This is not formal rehabilitation it is transformational, resting back into the present moment and present conditions where neuro-plasticity and our bodies’ innate healing systems can engage.

Being at peace with the present moment ends suffering.  Acceptance and making peace with this condition arises powerfully for me from doing this mindfulness practice.

I recommend a variety of meditation techniques for different types of TBI.  The first foundation of mindfulness is the body.  Here we bring awareness to sensations we are experiencing, directly informing us that we have a body - pulsations, feeling contact with clothing, feeling our weight, that which you sense directly – not conceptually.  Seated, standing, walking or lying down are all useful postures for your body in meditation.  With awareness of the body in this way we can then return our attention to the chosen primary object of attention. I usually use the process of breathing as this object, after all it’s everywhere I am and is always here to be observed.

What I do is bring attention to breathing, changing it in no way. Watching the entire process: in and out and in and out, exactly as it is.  We are developing a skill here, being present with the present moment, just as it is:  patiently, attentively in a clear focus of attention: now.  This is a starting point for our inner transformation, learning to be with what is, now and just as it is.

Head-injury is an invisible disability, not easily seen from the outside like a wheelchair or crutches are. However, it’s still a disability known profoundly from inside, and of course to those close to us.  It is very different for each person and family. We must each explore that which will work in your own situation.

Gold Mind Meditation Project has the purpose and intended result of helping you transform your relationship with this persistent condition, not promising rehabilitation – you choose to do this practice intentionally, it can have us be satisfied -  strong in the present moment, able to be with much that previously overwhelmed us.  This is teaching a powerful skill of mind that can be learned with regular practice.  It is with energy and joy I now work on actually teaching and using this extraordinary practice with peer-lead brain injury support groups here in Portland, OR.



Had Walmer, TBI survivor lives in Lake Oswego, OR has BS in Community Development from Oregon State University is founder of Gold Mind Meditation Project http://hadwalmer-goldmind.blogspot.com and of The Barking Dog Library, www.portlandinsight.org/library Vipassana/Insight Meditation practice for 24 years
“Mindfulness is the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgementally to the unfolding experience of life moment by moment” (Kabat-Zinn)
The class will be started in a workshop introduction including guided meditation.
5 evening classes will follow for an hour and a half each and you are encouraged to sit every day for at least 5 minutes (see handout instructions)

Here is an interesting, now historical document.  My father,  HAROLD C.  WALMER, D.O.contacted a psychic healer when I was in U.C. Davis Hospital, in a coma from my car accident. The healer is Consuella Newton, here is her reading.
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Connie is in Chicago and I’m in the Davis, CA hospital.

Reading by Connsuella Newton, 

 http://www.thedestinyoflight.com/index.html

Had Walmer Age 22   U.C. Davis Center For Brain Injury, patient in coma after automobile accident on I-5 North travelling to Oregon for school.

My Observations: 

I am progressing down the hall to a room on my left and I see a young man placed rather close to the window, he is on the side where the window is.  I see a head that is wrapped in bandages. His bed is elevated slightly just so that the head is up just a little bit.  I don’t see a lot of the elevation.  I see bandages on other parts of the body.  The body has a number of contusions on it. I see bruises contusions along the inferior maxillary bone above the right side of the jaw. Bruises are seen across the clavicle on the chest.  The right side of the body seems to have received more trauma than the other side. The bruises are seen more easily on the right side and the right arm.  The chest and the hip area on the right side show heavy red spots.  I don’t fee that the blood has turned back and blue at this time.

The right arm:  

I see here that the wrist and the hand were shown to me to be turned back at an angle.  I feel some degree of muscular contraction here.  The hand muscles are pulled back.  I had a big question mark in my mind on this, because it could be that there is a break or a fracture here, or that there is some damage to the right hand muscle.  At any rate contraction should be stopped in it or it should be checked somewhere along the line.  I checked it three or four times and it still came back to that same kind of twisting look.

Personality: 

To make sure that I’m in on the right person. He is cheerful, dark hair, average height about 5’-10” maybe an inch or two taller than his father.  His hair has a little curl in it.  I feel one section of his hair falls a little to the center of his forehead; it’s almost like a trait. I would say that the hair would fall easily there.  The most outstanding feature is that his eyes are very bright.  I get the feeling that his eyes are the key winning feature about his face.  He has a winning smile and the fire of life I get is in his eyes.  There have been some attempts to grow a moustache recently but I don’t get that he was satisfied with this.  I would indicate that he is easy going, has a very relaxed attitude.  There is not a great deal of intensity about him.  I would say his is easy going easy to know easy to like easy living.  The key word is easy for him and I would say that this is a person that I would feel comfortable with, a person that most people would feel comfortable with.

In talking to the consciousness of Had I see that he respond to me in a sleepy fashion and not in a very alert state at this time.  His nervous system and I’m doing this very quickly and briefly as possible.  I got right into pain centers that are being registered and I feel that they are being registered across the shoulders and running down both arms.  The pain also registers down the back to the 10^th thoracic vertebrae.  The pain is felt from the bottom of the left heel of the left foot up the back and coming from the bottom of the left foot up the back to the anklebone.  Pain is also radiating in the back of the neck into the medulla oblongata.  There is some degree of pressure in the cervical bone area pressing also on the spinal cord.  Instead of the cord being suspended like it should be, I see it resting against the bones in the 1^st 2^nd and third cervical areas.

Now when I got to the area of concern I asked him to indicate where the most intense areas are and he indicated that there was a lot of heat in the head.  He feels pressure and indicates the right hemisphere of the brain.  He maintains and continues to reiterate that the temperature inside of him has to be decreased.  He keeps saying that the temperature is rising and emphasizes controlling this more than anything else.  I keep trying to get to other areas of the body and he kept indicating temperature and that he must be kept cool.  The lower part and center of the head is where he indicates intense swelling that would be in the parietal lobe, the temporal lobe and the occipital.  All this is behind the fissure of Rolando.  The swelling is more pronounced here than in the frontal lobe.  He indicates some pressure behind the left eyeball, but getting in there I feel that it’s more pressure from the swelling than any outstanding damage.  I’m aware of heat from the back of the neck to the center part of the head and a lot of heat is centered over the left hemisphere of the brain.  This is my sensation.  The right side of the face feels numb somewhat and I feel a swelling there.  I feel that there is some laceration inside the mouth and that there may be some molars loose on the right side. When I got down into the respiration I felt that it is deep.

The musculature:  I sense some repair work might be needed on the right shoulder with possible strain or separation at this point.  In looking over the musculature in his body he seems to have nice long muscles, not the bunched kind of muscles in his body.  They’re the kind of muscles that would be good for track and the kind of muscles that would be good for swimming, that kind of build.  Getting into the organs I don’t see a full expansion of the lungs even thought the respiration is deep I don’t get good full expansion of the lungs and this particularly on the right side.  I also am aware of a dark spot on the right lung in the area near the sternum between the 5^th and 6^th ribs.  This could be due to a blow received or it could be an indication of a bruise going deep at that time but it was shown to me on the level at that area, right in the lung section.  The heart I felt was normal in its’ function and I didn’t feel any drawing to stay in that particular area to examine here.  The liver and all organs in the abdominal region; when I got right into the abdominal region the word ‘shock’ came straight across there and this is the first time I’ve seen this.  This body has got to be guarded against any further shock, and that thing is very important.  Any kinds of movement should be kept at a minimum for this body.  It’s very important that quiet should be maintained for him.

At this level of consciousness he continues to talk to me in a very sleepy manner and at times drifts off.  It’s as if there may be some degree of comatose present.  He is aware of what is going on around him, but he feels some degree of frustration that he cant’ respond in his normal way.  This is what his consciousness is saying to me.  So regardless of what kind of state he is in I want everybody to know that he is fully aware of what is going on around him.  The organs of his body are out of synchronization with one another.  Each organ’s pitch, its tone has been altered due to the shock and this inharmonious sound has changed the vibrations causing each organ to therefore have a different kind of rhythms. They’re out of step. They are out of rhythm with each other.  The intestinal tract, the liver, the adrenals and the kidneys are all working at a different beat. 

I asked for a solution and the solution that I have been seeing has been completely unorthodox.  I was shown a cone being applied by a metal instrument shaped like a six inch microphone with a metal round tip and being placed over energy points in the following areas:  in the scrotum, inside the knee, inside the ankle bone and one area on the hip bone opposite the navel and also a little to the right of the hip bone.  And at that hipbone area there were two areas: on the hip bone at the hipbone and a little to the right of the hipbone closer to the navel.  Now if we had that kind of instrument I’m sure that would restore the body at this particular point.  I get a feeling that there are key energy points that Dr. Walmer knows about.  This should be done to him on athe right side first and then the left sided and this will reestablish the body rhythm.  Some kind of tone, an electronic tone can be applied in ascending pitch as it is applied to the upper parts of the body so that as you would work up with this instrument which would have it’s pitch of the body and the pitch would then increase in degrees so that it would become higher as you move further up the body.  When I asked about acupuncture, I was told that it could be utilized if some form of vibratory tone could be set up in the body with the needles carrying the vibrations and the rods would have to be struck or tapped or vibrated.  The rhythm would be established and this could bring about a good rhythm in this body and bring this body out of shock and that the head however should not be moved or vibrated in any way.  Acupuncture, I feel should not be done until after he is out of the hospital but if we had that particular tone type instrument it could be applied while he was in the hospital that would bring him out.  Now the patient gives a very strong indication of wanting to be alive and to function wholly.  He will have to go through steps to achieve this. 

I went back and I looked at it again and again and everything that was shown to me that he has to go through steps.  Over his head I saw a cloud, a mist that was deep pink white with a blue around it with deep pink in the center had white around that and then blue around it. Now it represents the state of his consciousness and that he isn’t functioning totally in his physical body.  Whenever that shows up it means that half of it is out or that the majority of it is outside of his physical body.  I also was aware of two beings present with him and they are stating to me that he should remain on the Earth plane for there are two specific things he must do in service to mankind.  One of these things will be executed by him twelve years form this period in time and the other that he will do will be 31 to 32 years of this period of Earth time.

These important times will have to be fulfilled because they will affect other people greatly and so he has to do these things.  The trauma that the physical body has sustained will be negated in a six-month period totally.  The consciousness will undergo a change in a three-month period.  The change of this consciousness will be evident to all who know him personally.  The importance of his life is being unfolded to him at this very moment and they’re also giving him the reasons for his being born.  Determination is going to be reinforced n his mind and be evident in his life as her proceeds to put his life back together.

Recommendations to follow:   I recommend that the conventional treatment for head injuries be given and followed explicitly.  No vigorous shock or movements to the body be given at this time. Acupuncture can be given after the patient is released from the hospital but not during his hospitalization.  I’m talking about conventional acupuncture not the technique I was mentioning before.  Spring of this year will be his strong recuperative period and this will also be a period when he will do a complete reevaluation of persons who are close to him, his relationship and how he sees them.  Recuperation I feel will not be instantaneous.  This is something he has to go through according to what the beings have said and I do not see beings showing up in my normal scans, I really don’t.  Healing can be administered to alleviate the discomfort that he is sensing but there must be some relearning of skills that he has taken for granted. I feel very strongly that absent healing will do a lot of corrective work on the shocked traumatized organs.  The aura field will receive a healing energy and will also bring the organs into synchronization when healing is sent in an absent way.  I’m coming to concentrate very strongly on the areas on his body in order to alleviate the distress that is now present.  I recommend that all persons concentrating on him use a soft blue misty cloud to cover his body now. This is only the color for him. Allow the color to change to the deep violet blue color like the indigo blue.  This what his body is calling for now.  Start with a medium light blue and then move to indigo. When you think of him and when anybody thinks of him think of this color surrounding him.  This will have a tremendous effect on his body.  Although it’s unseen it will have an effect.  He is quite receptive to my touching him and my presence.  He is quite receptive to the presence of his loved ones who are there, he is well aware of that.   It is important that his family and the people who care for him communicate with him verbally, that they talk to him when they are in his presence.  He is very much aware.  The color sets up a compatible tone that I mentioned.  This is a compatible tone with his body and it brings a balance into his body.  I further recommend that Dr. Walmer concentrate mental energy along the meridians of the body with which he is familiar.  And in the process of concentrating energy along these meridians he may in his mind insert the needles and stroke them in his mind.  Now this is beneficial that he stroke the needles in his mind only.  This mind process will work down to the physical, but nothing should be done to the physical body at this time for stimulation and that is very important.  You shouldn’t actually stimulate but it should be done on a mental basis.  The proper equipment that would bring about the tones of the body into full working order like I mentioned just are not available in this time period.  I see them and I understand their workings and everything, but they have just not come into the physical level yet.  They have not been made available, constructed yet.  There should be no stimulation to the head even mentally, so Dr. Walmer should not even mentally stimulate anything along the meridians of the head and everything must be done gently, everything softly gently.  This young man is being guarded and watched from another level of consciousness. And I feel that he still has a lot of life ahead of him and something important to do in his life.  So his family should kind of relax, but get busy mentally with those sorts of things. If you have any questions or feedback pleas feel free to call me back.

Continuing practice, where to meditate in Portland
Metro.
PIMC, Portland Insight Meditation Center, "dharma in the streets", this
is a contemporary Insight Meditation center with Sits on Thursday evening and Sunday Morning. See their website for specifics. I have a library, 'The Barking Dog Library' here, see it on the website.
http://portlandinsight.org/
PFOC, Portland Friends Of The Dhamma, a bit more traditional in the 'Thai Forest Tradition', also Insight Meditation and they are sponsoring three monks who live in White Salmon and come to their Center in Sellwood monthly for community Q & A and teaching (http://pacifichermitage.org/). Sit times can be seen on their website.
http://pdxdhamma.org/
Shambala Meditation Center Of Portland, teaches 'mindfulness- awareness meditation and are from lineage in Tibet, following Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche.
http://portland.shambhala.org/
Also check out a plethora of good mindfulness meditation books especially New Renaissance Bookstore on 23rd and a book called 'Mapping The Dharma' from http://www.paramipress.com/
Many good dharma writings are available free online as downloadable pdf files, that can be converted to e-readers (eg. Amazon Kindle)
Meditation talks are online (Teachers, Talks, Retreats) http://dharmaseed.org/
Follow the meditation procedure I handed out at the beginning or request a new one from me: hwalmer@gmail.com, I'll email it to you.

I. 

meditate for Ten Minutes.
How will your practice continue? What's next?
Who are you authentically? What matters most to you? Are you
becoming more loving? Are your intentions to serve others developing?
Class conversation, Why meditate? Clarity, concentration, focus, peace, rapture - feels great! Come home to who you really are. What about when you don't feel like doing it? You haven't wasted your time, can always start newly - fresh start! Remember, we cultivate our Minds in meditation or Bhavana, which means gardening.
Support systems - Portland Groups: PIMC, PFOD, Shambala,pacific heritage in White Salmon and online, make a take home page: List Sit Groups, scheduled sits (Handout)

VII.Kindle pdf files at many Buddhist Center sites for no charge. Explore and read these.
VIII.Online articles talks, Listserv

9. Friends and family
   
10. Positive and wholesome states are stated in various ways in
    Mindfulness Practice - Serenity and Insight, the Four Foundations of Mindfulness, the Eight factors of the Path. We can highlight what are called the known Benefits "Seven Factors Of Enlightenment". This is arousing wholesome states and maintaining and perfecting states that have arisen. Obviously there are unwholesome states of ill will, hatred - see these and really inquire honestly, see truthfully 'what are my intentions?' and if the unwholesome hasn't arisen, you may be aware of what will bring them forth - see that and desist. Back off.
    
11. Seven Factors=mindfulness (basically receptive) , Investigation (Basically Active - look closely), Energy, Rapture or pleasurable interest, Tranquillity, Concentration, and Equanimity. These factors both lead to and constitute 'enlightenment'.
    

XII.Existence systems: Art, clothing, meditation bench, gongs, books, schedule sitting, Sangha, emails favorite websites. Learn the Language

'My Story'

‘My Story’

Mindfulness Practice and TBI,

The Gold Mind Meditation Project

“Until you have the inner discipline that brings calmness of mind, external facilities and conditions will never bring the joy and happiness you seek. On the other hand, if you possess this inner quality, it will be possible to live a happy and joyful life.”  Dalai Lama

“Notes to our much loved son, Had - a time of agony, love, sense of loss and hope, encouragement and realization that you have been given life because of your unfulfilled destiny.”

Jan 21 6PM I'm finally enroute to see you.  Tonight I will get to your room by 10 to 11 PM, hopefully.  At any rate I will see you, hug you, and kiss you tonight.  Just as I did when you were a little boy.  As I look out of the window of this 707 the moon is almost full.  How much effect do that moon and the planets have on one life and our destiny?”

From a journal kept by my father, H.C. Walmer D.O. and Acupuncturist at UC Davis Hospital during the time of my auto-accident, Dec. 31.

This is my story of transformational rehabilitation in life, a life lived with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI).  Modern medicine has become very good at enabling us to survive a wide range of traumas that previously lead to death.  We, as survivors of trauma, have had a world shattering experience. With ‘Mindfulness Practice’ that I will describe we can learn to befriend our new lives, join with others and find ease in the present moment.  Much healing is possible.  Here’s my story.

I was riding in a car with friends, returning to Oregon from California after my college’s winter break.  Traveling north on the interstate we crashed into a car that had missed its exit and was backing up on I - 5.  At 66 mph we impacted, crushing the right side of our car where I was seated. My head, with eyeglasses slammed into the dashboard and Jaws-Of-Life were required to free me from the vehicle.  I was rushed to an Emergency Room in a coma.

My brain swelled in my skull.  This was before essential state seat-belt laws, as well as the critical current medical relief mitigating the intracranial pressure of brain swelling.  In six days, with the powerful help of my parents and formal medical care, I regained consciousness.  I had amnesia, diplopia (double-vision w/ anisocoria, maximally dilated pupils), and severe TBI. I walked with great difficulty.  In the short instant of this accident I was not who I used to be.  My life was dramatically and forever changed. 

I went home with my parents and slowly recuperated.  Repeated Osteopathic treatments aided balance and motor coordination issues improved over time.  Often I was in a foggy mental state, with occasional glimpses of clarity. Plans for my future existed only as fleeting positive images in my mind.  That following Fall I went back to college thinking my life would be just the same as my previous times there.  Not so.  It wasn’t. 

Those plans and images were now derailed, couldn’t get back on the tracks.  I had great difficulty learning and people didn’t relate to me as they once did.  I struggled with an array of unfamiliar cognitive deficits.  I was back at the same place with a different me.  This condition of TBI was only vaguely recognized. 

New frustrations arose to surprise me.  My romantic relationship split up, as I would often rage out of control within, emotionally and couldn’t figure it out.  Anger would grab my sensibilities.  My ability to be a ‘fast study’ was gone; I now had a memory that was effectively Teflon for new facts.  Frustration was a persistent undercurrent of my entire life.

Boundary issues and very slow mental processing made for a whole new mix in my social and personal world.  Who was I now?  In short I needed to learn to befriend a new me. I was a newcomer to the land of TBI.

Fortunately in 1982 I met a wonderful and highly supportive woman.  She encouraged me to complete my college degree, get work and we eventually married.  She already had a wonderful son and we had two more incredible children and I cannot say enough about the treasure and contribution of our empowering and loving family relationship.   As I lost one job after another I met and came to know more of my cognitive deficits.  Many relationships break up with TBI.  I was so fortunate in marrying this woman who has been strongly capable of holding all that occurred (super mother). As well and quite unbeknownst to me, she, with her character, was actually providing my missing executive functions.

Ten years after the accident, a friend said, “I’m going out to Spirit Rock this evening to sit with Jack Kornfield in meditation.  You might like it.”  Curious, I went and followed the sitting meditation instructions.  In a matter of weeks I had experiences of peace and energy, arising.  I was inspired. I saw clearly that I was capable of learning the beneficial qualities I heard spoken of in the Dharma Talks.  I regularly went to the Monday evening meditation sits at Spirit Rock with Jack Kornfield and other dharma teachers.  I find each of the “seven factors of awakening” coming into play now in my practice: investigation, energy, joy, tranquility, concentration, equanimity and mindfulness.  This tangible result fuels my practice.  I know that it makes a difference for me to do it.  It’s self-motivating: participate, learn this skill and get positive benefits.

Meditation is a very forgiving practice.  It’s ‘win win’, you practice skillfully or learn what’s needed in direct experience. That’s the actual process a positive feedback loop.  Losing track of being attentive with a meditation object and going off into worlds of thought is a natural phenomenon of the mind. That is exactly what minds do and as a person meditating we get to simply observe this as a regular process.  Wise instruction here is noticing what the mind has done and bringing attention back to any chosen object, say breathing or the body.  When the mind wanders into thinking you haven’t done something wrong, you are gently developing the practice of mindfulness as people have done for thousands of years.  Now, I am fruitfully bringing this practice to bear on all my life experiences.  I savor being mindfully present with various life experiences, pleasing and unpleasing – yes, both sides.  This is not living in fantasy, rather being present with things as they are – feeling emotions and all else as that arises within each of us and communicating honestly.

Regular meditation practice has brought deepened levels of clarity and awareness to how I relate to my self and world.  I am more able to hold sustained attention to any chosen activity.  I practice everyday either with time sitting or in being awake to the moments of my life experience.  With this mindfulness I can accept and gently hold whatever states arise in my consciousness or know that if I’m overloaded, to back off.  The mind can be a crazy beast.  This training grounds me in a sense of dignified inner wellness and peace including the damages of TBI.  Mindfulness practice isn’t about changing me into a better me, rather it’s about befriending who I am.  Healing (through neuro-plasticity) is a long process.  Mindfulness and meditation open me to energy and the choice I have in this moment to see clearly the effects arising from my TBI and then be more appropriate in my actions.  Not throwing gas on the flames.

    

TBI is still very much a part of my daily life.  It hasn’t gone away or been miraculously cured.  I have learned to live skillfully with poor short-term memory.  Emotional outbursts pass more quickly as I can see them, know they will pass and stop denying them.  I have continuing difficulty with interpersonal boundaries.  Though I am bright and cheerful, good at getting jobs, I continue to lose them. I identify with all of this much less and that gives me much peace and ease.

My wife and I are now ‘empty nesters.’  I savor the sweet memories of our children growing up as well as the amazing adults they now are.  I’ve been practicing on this path for 23 years.  Last year I had a ‘Bodhisattva insight’ (Buddhist noble goal, contributing to others) and with my dear wife’s encouragement I formulated this Mindfulness Meditation Project.  I intend to share and teach mindfulness to fellow survivors in my TBI community –

I know this from the inside.  Despite ongoing frustrations with the cognitive deficits, recurring fogginess and loss of jobs, mindfulness practice just works in creating peace of mind. It returns me to a joy and clarity in being with what I love. I am happier and more satisfied throughout my life.  I am honestly grateful for the life I have.

TBI has stricken millions. It has often been misdiagnosed and thus poorly treated. In top-of-the line and expensive rehabilitation programs I was taught 'compensatory coping strategies’ for the 'cognitive deficits' of my brain injury. These strategies were well intended, but fell short of addressing my need for inner well being. I had to learn that necessary inner transformation for myself.  I learned to sift gold from the gravel of my life experiences to find meaning and purpose for myself. This is not formal rehabilitation it is transformational,  resting back into the present moment where neuro-plasticity and our bodies’ innate healing systems can engage.  Acceptance and making peace with this condition arises powerfully for me from doing the mindfulness practice.

I recommend a variety of meditation techniques for different types of TBI.  The first foundation of mindfulness is the body.  Here we bring awareness to sensations we are experiencing, informing us that we have a body - pulsations, contact with clothing, feeling our weight, that which you sense directly - non-conceptual.  Seated, standing, walking or lying down are all useful postures for your body in meditation.  With awareness of the body in this way we can then return our attention to the chosen primary object of attention. I usually use the breath as this object, after all it’s everywhere I am and is always here to be observed.  What I do is bring attention to breathing, changing it in no way. Watching the entire process: in and out and in and out, exactly as it is.  We are developing a skill here, being present with the present moment, just as it is:  patiently, attentively in a clear focus of attention: now.  This is a starting point for our inner transformation, learning to be with what is, now and just as it is.

Head-injury is an invisible disability, not easily seen from the outside like a wheelchair or crutches. However, it’s still a disability known profoundly from inside, and of course to those close to us.  It is very different for each person and family. We must each explore that which will work in your own situation.  Gold Mind Meditation Project has the purpose and intended result of helping you transform your relationship with this persistent condition, not promising rehabilitation – you choose to do this practice intentionally, it

can have us be strong in the present moment, able to be with much that previously overwhelmed us.  This is teaching a powerful skill of mind that can be learned with regular practice.  It is with energy and joy I now work on actually teaching and using this extraordinary practice with peer-lead brain injury support groups here in Portland, OR.

Had Walmer, TBI survivor lives in Lake Oswego, OR has BS in Community Development from Oregon State University is founder of Gold Mind Meditation Project http://hadwalmer-goldmind.blogspot.com and of The Barking Dog Library, www.portlandinsight.org/library Vipassana/Insight Meditation practice for 24 years

“Mindfulness is the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgementally to the unfolding experience of life moment by moment” (Kabat-Zinn)

The class will be started in a workshop introduction including guided meditation.

5 evening classes will follow for one hour each and you are encouraged to sit every day for at least 5 minutes (see handout instructions)

  Gold Mind

Meditation Project

(Benefits for fellow head-injury survivors)
       

Head-injury is an invisible disability, not easily seen from the outside like wheelchair or crutches. It is a complex injury to a complex organ. This condition is a disability known profoundly from inside and having a wide array of symptoms - different for each survivor. Gold Mind Meditation Project has the purpose of empowering you to transform your relationship with this condition and actually thrive: through the power of mindfulness, bringing bright awareness to what you perceive in the present moment.

I speak from personal experience.  Returning to college years ago, I was involved in a serious car accident. Jaws-of-Life were required to free me from the vehicle, I got a skull fracture and was in a coma for seven days. My brain swelled in my skull and when I came to I had amnesia, diplopia (double-vision), and severe traumatic brain injury (TBI). In an instant I was not who I used to be.

Since that time I have lived with the challenges of TBI. I struggled to complete my university degree and to get on with my new life. I graduated from the university and then within a few years experienced frustrating failure in the loss of several jobs. Often I was cloudy and very unaware of what I could do or be. My friend who is an occupational therapist pointed out that this was the direct result of my TBI and that I could have some say in my own rehabilitation.

TBI has often been misdiagnosed and thus poorly treated. In top-of-the line and expensive rehabilitation programs I was taught 'compensatory coping strategies' for the 'cognitive deficits' of my brain injury. These strategies were well-intended rehab but fell short of knowing and actually addressing innate well-being. They didn't work for me; I had to learn that necessary transformation for myself.  In my own explorations I learned to sift gold (possibilities) from the gravel of my life experiences in order to find meaning, value and purpose for myself.

  

Having the direct experience of the devastation and frustration of this condition, I intend to share what I've found in my life to be a powerful healing benefit.

I’ve learned mindfulness meditation practice also called Insight Meditation. Learning this simple practice can enhance your life with satisfaction, way more ease and smiles. Really! There is light at the end of the tunnel for each survivor.

Regular meditation practice has helped me be clear-eyed and mindful, capable of sustained attention. This training is intended to relieve suffering and dissatisfaction, freeing the mind of illusions. It grounds us in a sense of dignified inner wellness, and peace beyond the damages of our trauma and change.  This is the golden path of being authentic to your life now.

Mindfulness practice can lead to brain healing (neuroplasticity - the brain can heal itself).  I am now choosing to live my life intentionally and more skillfully, making peace with this malady and finding the healing I need. You can too. This is the start of a new path!

Had C. Walmer                 hwalmer@gmail.com               (503)332-3046