‘My Story’
Mindfulness Practice and TBI,
The Gold Mind Meditation Project
“Until you have the inner discipline that brings calmness of mind,
external facilities and conditions will never bring the joy and happiness you
seek. On the other hand, if you possess this inner quality, it will be possible
to live a happy and joyful life.” Dalai
Lama
“Notes to our
much loved son, Had - a time of agony, love, sense of loss and hope,
encouragement and realization that you have been given life because of your
unfulfilled destiny.”
Jan 21 6PM
I'm finally enroute to see you. Tonight
I will get to your room by 10 to 11 PM, hopefully. At any rate I will see you, hug you, and kiss
you tonight. Just as I did when you were
a little boy. As I look out of the
window of this 707 the moon is almost full.
How much effect do that moon and the planets have on one life and our
destiny?”
From a journal kept by my father, H.C. Walmer D.O. and
Acupuncturist at UC Davis Hospital during the time of my auto-accident, Dec. 31.
This is my story of transformational rehabilitation in life,
a life lived with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI).
Modern medicine has become very good at enabling us to survive a wide
range of traumas that previously lead to death.
We, as survivors of trauma, have had a world shattering experience. With
‘Mindfulness Practice’ that I will describe we can learn to befriend our new
lives, join with others and find ease in the present moment. Much healing is possible. Here’s my story.
I was riding in a car with friends, returning to Oregon from
California after my college’s winter break.
Traveling north on the interstate we crashed into a car that had missed
its exit and was backing up on I - 5. At
66 mph we impacted, crushing the right side of our car where I was seated. My
head, with eyeglasses slammed into the dashboard and Jaws-Of-Life were required
to free me from the vehicle. I was rushed
to an Emergency Room in a coma.
My brain swelled in my skull. This was before essential state seat-belt laws,
as well as the critical current medical relief mitigating the intracranial
pressure of brain swelling. In six days,
with the powerful help of my parents and formal medical care, I regained
consciousness. I
had amnesia, diplopia (double-vision w/ anisocoria, maximally dilated pupils),
and severe TBI. I walked with great difficulty.
In the short instant of this accident I was not who I used to be. My life was dramatically and forever changed.
I went home with my parents and slowly recuperated. Repeated Osteopathic treatments aided balance
and motor coordination issues improved over time. Often I was in a foggy mental state, with
occasional glimpses of clarity. Plans for my future existed only as fleeting positive
images in my mind. That following Fall I
went back to college thinking my life would be just the same as my previous times
there. Not so. It wasn’t.
Those plans and images were now derailed, couldn’t get back on
the tracks. I had great difficulty
learning and people didn’t relate to me as they once did. I struggled with an array of unfamiliar cognitive
deficits. I was back at the same place
with a different me. This
condition of TBI was only vaguely recognized.
New frustrations arose to surprise me. My romantic relationship split up, as I would
often rage out of control within, emotionally and couldn’t figure it out. Anger would grab my sensibilities. My ability to be a ‘fast study’ was gone; I
now had a memory that was effectively Teflon for new facts. Frustration was a persistent undercurrent of
my entire life.
Boundary issues and very slow mental processing made for a whole
new mix in my social and personal world.
Who was I now? In short I needed
to learn to befriend a new me. I was a newcomer to the land of TBI.
Fortunately in 1982 I met a wonderful and highly supportive
woman. She encouraged me to complete my
college degree, get work and we eventually married. She already had a wonderful son and we had
two more incredible children and I cannot say enough about the treasure and contribution
of our empowering and loving family relationship. As I lost one job after another I met and
came to know more of my cognitive deficits.
Many relationships break up with TBI.
I was so fortunate in marrying this woman who has been strongly capable
of holding all that occurred (super mother). As well and quite unbeknownst to
me, she, with her character, was actually providing my missing executive
functions.
Ten years after the accident, a friend said, “I’m going out
to Spirit Rock this evening to sit with Jack Kornfield in meditation. You might like it.” Curious, I went and followed the sitting
meditation instructions. In a matter of
weeks I had experiences of peace and energy, arising. I was inspired. I saw clearly that I was
capable of learning the beneficial qualities I heard spoken of in the Dharma
Talks. I regularly went to the Monday
evening meditation sits at Spirit Rock with Jack Kornfield and other dharma
teachers. I find each of the “seven factors of awakening” coming into
play now in my practice: investigation, energy, joy, tranquility,
concentration, equanimity and mindfulness.
This tangible result fuels my practice.
I know that it makes a difference for me to do it. It’s self-motivating: participate, learn this
skill and get positive benefits.
Meditation is a very forgiving
practice. It’s ‘win win’, you practice
skillfully or learn what’s needed in direct experience. That’s the actual
process a positive feedback loop. Losing
track of being attentive with a meditation object and going off into worlds of
thought is a natural phenomenon of the mind. That is exactly what minds do and
as a person meditating we get to simply observe this as a regular process. Wise instruction here is noticing what the
mind has done and bringing attention back to any chosen object, say breathing
or the body. When the mind wanders into
thinking you haven’t done something wrong, you are gently developing the practice
of mindfulness as people have done for thousands of years. Now, I am fruitfully bringing this practice
to bear on all my life experiences. I
savor being mindfully present with various life experiences, pleasing and
unpleasing – yes, both sides. This is
not living in fantasy, rather being present with things as they are – feeling
emotions and all else as that arises within each of us and communicating
honestly.
Regular meditation practice has brought
deepened levels of clarity and awareness to how I relate to my self and
world. I am more able to hold sustained
attention to any chosen activity. I
practice everyday either with time sitting or in being awake to the moments of
my life experience. With this mindfulness
I can accept and gently hold whatever states arise in my consciousness or know that
if I’m overloaded, to back off. The mind
can be a crazy beast. This training
grounds me in a sense of dignified inner wellness and peace including the
damages of TBI. Mindfulness practice isn’t about changing me into
a better me, rather it’s about befriending who I am. Healing (through neuro-plasticity) is a long process. Mindfulness and meditation open me to energy
and the choice I have in this moment to see clearly the effects arising from my
TBI and then be more appropriate in my actions.
Not throwing gas on the flames.
TBI is still very
much a part of my daily life. It hasn’t
gone away or been miraculously cured. I have
learned to live skillfully with poor short-term memory. Emotional outbursts pass more quickly as I can
see them, know they will pass and stop denying them. I have continuing difficulty with
interpersonal boundaries. Though I am
bright and cheerful, good at getting jobs, I continue to lose them. I identify
with all of this much less and that gives me much peace and ease.
My wife and I are now ‘empty nesters.’ I savor the sweet memories of our children
growing up as well as the amazing adults they now are. I’ve been practicing on this path for 23
years. Last year I had a ‘Bodhisattva insight’ (Buddhist noble
goal, contributing to others) and with my dear wife’s encouragement I
formulated this Mindfulness Meditation Project.
I intend to share and teach mindfulness to fellow survivors in my TBI
community –
I know this from the inside.
Despite ongoing frustrations with the cognitive deficits, recurring
fogginess and loss of jobs, mindfulness practice just works in creating peace
of mind. It returns me to a joy and clarity in being with what I love. I am
happier and more satisfied throughout my life.
I am honestly grateful for the life I have.
TBI has stricken millions. It has often
been misdiagnosed and thus poorly treated. In top-of-the line and expensive
rehabilitation programs I was taught 'compensatory coping strategies’ for the
'cognitive deficits' of my brain injury. These strategies were well intended, but
fell short of addressing my need for inner well being. I had to learn that
necessary inner transformation for myself.
I learned to sift gold from the gravel of my life experiences to find meaning
and purpose for myself. This is not formal rehabilitation it is
transformational, resting back into the
present moment where neuro-plasticity and our bodies’ innate healing systems
can engage. Acceptance and making peace
with this condition arises powerfully for me from doing the mindfulness
practice.
I recommend a variety of meditation techniques for different
types of TBI. The first foundation of
mindfulness is the body. Here we bring
awareness to sensations we are experiencing, informing us that we have a body -
pulsations, contact with clothing, feeling our weight, that which you sense directly
- non-conceptual. Seated, standing,
walking or lying down are all useful postures for your body in meditation. With awareness of the body in this way we can
then return our attention to the chosen primary object of attention. I usually
use the breath as this object, after all it’s everywhere I am and is always here
to be observed. What I do is bring
attention to breathing, changing it in no way. Watching the entire process: in
and out and in and out, exactly as it is.
We are developing a skill here, being present with the present moment,
just as it is: patiently, attentively in
a clear focus of attention: now. This is
a starting point for our inner transformation, learning to be with what is, now
and just as it is.
Head-injury is an invisible
disability, not easily seen from the outside like a wheelchair or crutches. However, it’s still a
disability known profoundly from inside, and of course to those close to
us. It is very different for each person
and family. We must each explore that which will work in your own situation. Gold
Mind Meditation Project has the purpose and intended result of helping you
transform your relationship with this persistent condition, not promising
rehabilitation – you choose to do this practice intentionally, it
can have us be strong in the present
moment, able to be with much that previously overwhelmed us. This is teaching a powerful skill of mind that can be
learned with regular practice. It is with
energy and joy I now work on actually teaching and using this extraordinary practice
with peer-lead brain injury support groups here in Portland, OR.
“Mindfulness
is the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the
present moment and non-judgementally to the unfolding experience of life moment
by moment” (Kabat-Zinn)
The
class will be started in a workshop introduction including guided meditation.
5
evening classes will follow for one hour each and you are encouraged to sit
every day for at least 5 minutes (see handout instructions)
